Part 26

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Thank-you to: Jodi

This time I dreamed about Finn. We were on a boat at sea with no land in sight. The water was flat and colourless like glass. There was not a cloud in the sky and it was a bright blue day, almost unnaturally fair.
“Fine mess you’ve made of all this, haven’t you boy?” asked Finn.
I realised I was ten again and small and skinny.
“It’s not my fault,” I said, barely recognising my own voice.
Finn laughed and wheezed. “People like you and me, boy, it’s always our fault. It doesn’t matter if we meant it or not, that’s just the way the world is.”
“I couldn’t save him,” I said.
I noticed that the wind had picked up and that the sea was starting to ripple under the boat, a few wispy white clouds forming above us.
He shrugged. “Can’t undo what’s been done.”
The boat started to bob up and down, as the waves got bigger and the sky bean to turn grey.
“Everybody leaves me,” I said.
“Everybody leaves everybody,” he said. “And you’ll leave her.”
“I won’t, I won’t!” I shouted as the rain started to pelt down and the boat threatened rocked back and forth, waves breaking over the bow.
“You will,” he said. “You can’t save me, you couldn’t save him and you won’t save yourself but you can save her.”
It was now raining so hard that I couldn’t see Finn anymore. We were separated by a curtain of rain.
“Don’t go,” I said, but Finn had already jumped overboard, leaving me alone as the storm raged, eventually capsizing the little boat.

I woke up with a start just as Ross came through the door holding Kayla by the hand.
“Eric!” she squealed, wrenching herself free of Ross and launching herself onto my bed, landing on my aching ribs.
“Oof, kiddo,” I groaned. “Careful, my tummy is very sore.”
“What happened to your face?” she asked suspiciously. “Has Gary been here?”
“No, baby,” I said. “I had a bit of an argument with some bad people and I got a little hurt but I’m fine now.”
She touched my nose gingerly. “Poor, Eric.”
“Yup, poor Eric indeed,” I said.
“You didn’t come home,” she admonished. “Iva and me were very, very worried. We even had to ring the police and they came to fetch me. I was very scared, even when Ross came to fetch me.”
“I’m sorry, baby,” I said, feeling the familiar wash of guilt. “But I was here in the hospital with the doctors. They said I couldn’t come home until they made me all better.”
“Where’s Antknee?” she asked. “Is he in the hospital too? Can we go and see him?”
“You didn’t tell her?” I asked Ross, who was quietly watching from the corner of the room.
“We thought that you might want to tell her.”
I felt nauseous. There was no right way to do this, no way that prevent me from doing damage. I took a deep breath and tried to steady my voice.
“Kayla, do you remember when Freddie had that goldfish and he was swimming around all day and you and Freddie gave him food every morning when you woke up.”
“Uh huh,” she said.
“And remember one day the fish didn’t feel so good and then he went to sleep and he didn’t wake up.”
“And we flushed him down the toilet,” said Kayla.
“Well, yes,” I said. “Baby, Anthony was with me when I had the argument with the bad people and he also got hurt because he was trying to help me. Except Eric was like the fish, he went to sleep and he didn’t wake up.”
“Why?” asked Kayla.
“I don’t know why,” I said, not managing to stop the tears. “I thought about it over and over again and I don’t know why.”
“Is he coming back?” she asked.
“No, baby, he’s not coming back.”
“He didn’t say good-bye.”
“I know,” I said. “But he told me that he loved you very, very much and you were the most beautiful girl in the whole world. He told me that all the time.”
“I want him to come back,” said Kayla tearful.
Not caring about my ribs, I pulled her against me and wrapped my arms around her, not sure which one of us was taking more comfort from the other.
“I want him to come back too, baby girl. I want that more than anything in the world but we have to let him go.”
“Can I still draw pictures of him?” she asked.
“Of course. You can draw as many pictures as you want.”

“Eric,” she said in her token stage whisper that is not a whisper at all as she continued to cuddle me. “Ross says he’s my daddy.”
“He is your daddy, Kayla.”
“I thought I didn’t have a daddy,” she said. “Mummy said that I didn’t have a daddy.”
“You know what mummy’s like. I said. Sometimes she gets confused and she says funny things.”
“But why didn’t you tell me that I had a daddy?”
“Because I didn’t know, sweetheart.”
“Is Ross your daddy?” she asked.
“No,” I said. “He’s just yours.”
“And Megan’s,” said Kayla. “But she has a different mummy. It’s all terribly confusing.”
“Yes it is,” I said. “Even for a grown up.”
Kayla laughed, obviously amused by the fact that I was just as confused as she was.
“Megan’s mummy’s name is Alison,” said Kayla. “She’s very nice. She took me to see the fishes in the aquarilum. I told her we were going to see kangaroos with Antknee but she said that you were too sick and that we would have to go another time one day.”
“She’s right I,” I said. “I think right now I would scare the kangaroos with my ugly face.”
“Alison said you were very brave,” said Kayla.
“Well you can tell her I say thank-you,” I said.
“She wants to come and visit you too but Ross said no. He said just him and I must come because you get very tired now because your tummy and your face is so sore and he said that I was special and you’re my big brother so I could come just with Ross.”
It was too much. It was all too much to cope with. I just wanted to switch off everything and go back to sleep but this time with no dreams, just an endless stretch of silence and darkness.
“She can come and visit,” I said. “I don’t mind.”

“Kayla,” said Ross. “I think Eric is very tired. Maybe we should let him rest.”
“No,” I said, fighting the waves of exhaustion rolling over me. “Don’t take her away.”
“Well why don’t you lie here with Eric quietly until he falls asleep and then Alison and I will come and visit him again this afternoon.”
I fell asleep with Kayla’s head on my chest and her little hand clutching my collar, just like I had when she was a baby and this time I didn’t dream. I slept in absolute peace for what felt like an entire lifetime before a nurse eventually shook me awake for lunch.

Ross was back in the afternoon with a woman who looked exactly like I had imagined Alison to be. She was just as blonde as he was and somewhere just exactly the right side of the line between plain and pretty. She was attractive enough that a beautiful personality would have intrigued any man enough to fall in love with her but plain enough that she would never turn heads and intimidate potential suitors. Her face was round and sweet and her eyes big and blue and in her floral cotton dress and little pink pumps everything about her screamed mum.

“Hi, Eric,” she said.
“Hi,” I said.
“I feel like I already know you,” she said. “Kayla talks about you non-stop. You’ve almost taken on the status of some kind of mythical figure in our conversations. Superman couldn’t have garnered more praise. I don’t believe there is anything Kayla believes you can’t do.”
It was impossible not to smile.
“Well in a life that’s been filled with villains,” I said. “It’s hard not to impress.”
Alison sat down next to my bed and took my hand. There was something so incredibly warm and sincere about the gesture that I didn’t resist, instead I squeezed her hand.
“I wanted to tell you,” she said. “That no matter what I say I realise there are no words that could possibly make you feel better at a time like this. I can’t imagine what it must be like to lose someone that you love with the absolute purity and intensity that you seem to have loved Anthony but I want you to know that my heart absolutely goes out to you and the last thing that Ross and I want to do right now is cause you more pain, although I know it will be unavoidable if you agree to our proposition. Kayla is a very, very special little girl and in the week that we’ve known her she’s completely stolen our hearts in no small part down to how much love and care you’ve lavished on her.”

I didn’t try and stop myself from crying now and I didn’t try and stop her from talking either.
“When I met Ross, he was the last person I wanted to fall for. When you become a nurse they tell you that the lines between patient and caretaker should never be blurred and professionalism must always be maintained and even though Ross wasn’t my patient, he was someone who needed help. But I saw something so unavoidably good and strong in him that I couldn’t stay away. He is a good man, Eric and a very good father.

We got married three years ago and left our old lives behind. We bought a big old house with a sea view in Brighton and opened a bed and breakfast. We make a good living from our little business and the environment is perfect for a family. We want Kayla to be part of our family.

I can promise you that I would love her and treat her as if she were my own daughter and that I already don’t see any distinction between her and Megan. I know that you have done everything you can for Kayla and she’s grown up with more love than many children who have two parents do but the best gift you can give her is a family.”

It echoed everything Anthony had always said to me. All he wanted was a family. He wanted to belong to a unit, to people who would love him no matter what and if I let Ross and Alison take Kayla they could give her that. They could give her the family that I could never give her now that Anthony was gone but that would leave me alone.  I would be completely alone.

“We would never try to keep you out of Kayla’s life,” she said. “We know how important you are to who she is and how important she is it you. You could see her absolutely any time you wanted to.”

“You don’t understand,” I said. “She is all that I have left. I know what it’s like to be left by the people you love and I don’t want Kayla to think I’m giving her away. I don’t want her to think that I gave up on her quit because it was too much.”
“Eric,” said Ross, but Alison held up her hand to stop him.
“I know,” she said. “I know how scary this must be for you, especially since you don’t know us at all but look in your heart, Eric. You know what the right thing to do is.”
“Will you bring Kayla to see me tomorrow?” I asked.
Ross sighed. “We have to see some lawyers tomorrow but we can bring her on Tuesday.”
“Okay,” I said.
“Oh, I wanted to ask you something,” said Alison. “She keeps going on about wanting to hear bugs and that you used play them for her an on a cherry?”
“She means Bach,” I said. “I play the cello and I always used to play her Bach when she was upset or grumpy. It always soothed her and put her to sleep. That and Iron Maiden and she likes stories about trolls. Anthony always used to read them to her.”
“I’ll make a note of that,” said Alison.

Would Kayla understand if I let these people take her? Would she know that I was doing it because I loved her and because I wanted her to be happy and because I knew that I was poison and that if I kept her with me I would destroy her just like I had destroyed Anthony. I remember Anthony telling me that children and resilient and they recover and grow way faster than adults do and that I shouldn’t underestimate Kayla.

I pictured Kayla with Ross and Alison in their house in Brighton and then I pictured her in my mother’s derelict flat with me and finally I pictured her somewhere completely new with me and Anthony. It would have been perfect, just the three of us. I let the little fantasy completely wash over me. I imagined Kayla older and going off to school, Anthony and I watching her at the back door arm in arm, proud. It didn’t take much to change the picture so that it was Ross and Alison waving her off to school and me sitting alone in my mother’s flat.

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