Part 27

Words: 1,064
Total words: 42,530
Money raised: £302.00
Thank-you to: Freemonious French, Pete, Jodi and Sue

My next visitor was so unexpected that for a few minutes I thought I was still dreaming, but as the rush of pain twinged across my ribs and the hospital smell worked its way into my nostrils, I realised I was completely conscious. My mother, slumped slightly in her chair, fidgeting fit to bust.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“That’s nice, Eric,” she said. “Very nice. I came all this way to see you and that’s the best you can do. Do you know they won’t even let you smoke in here?”

She laced and unlaced her fingers, flexing them, picking at imaginary lint on her clothes.

“It’s a hospital, mum,” I said. “There are sick people here. Of course you’re not allowed to smoke and I’ve been in hospital for a week and you’ve only turned up now. You’re not exactly in line for the mother of the year award, are you?”

My mother grinned, showing off her yellowing teeth. “Yeah but I’m pretty sure Kerry Katona or that Jordan bitch won that last year so I’m in good company.”

“No jokes,” I said. “My ribs are killing me.”

“I told you not to get involved with those posh kids,” she said. “I told you it was a mistake. You mess with the wrong people and you get hurt. I blame this all on Finn. He never should have filled your head with all that music bollocks.”

“Here we go again,” I said. “You can say I told you so until you go blue in the face mum but if that’s why you’re here just go rather. I don’t know if I can cope with you gloating right now. So fine you were right, I dared to dream and look, I came crashing to the ground.”

My mother sighed. “You really do hate me, don’t you, Eric?”

“No, mum,” I said. “I don’t hate you. I just don’t get you.  It’s you who hates me. To this day I have no idea why you even had me.”

“I see we’re being honest,” said my mother. “I was eighteen when you were born. I was so out of it most of the time that I didn’t even realise I was pregnant until it was too late to have an abortion and then when you were born I got a flat and a childcare benefit and it was more money than I’d ever had in my life. It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“Again I have to ask why the hell you’re actually here,” I said.

“You’re going to give Kayla to Ross and his wife, right?” she said.

“I don’t know yet.”

“Eric,” she said. “You and me. We’re bad seeds. Look at us, we even look like we grew out of the same dark place. It’s too late for us. You’re going to end up just like me and you know it. You’ve got that anger inside you that’s like a bottomless pit and no matter what you throw into it it’s always empty. Kayla is not one of us though. She’s like this little piece of sunshine. If you keep her you’re going to put her sunshine out.”

“What would you even know?” I asked. “You ignored Kayla from the moment she opened her eyes.”

“I loved Ross,” said my mother. “I actually thought that maybe he and I would be able to fix each other and every time we got high, I promised myself it was the last hit. When he went into rehab and I found out I was pregnant I wanted to follow him but he wouldn’t have anything to do with me. I figured if I had his baby, I would have something of him and that would give me the strength to give it all up. But then when she was born she looked just like him and every time she looked at me, I saw him and I saw what I didn’t have and it just made me want to do anything I could to silence how I felt.”

“You are our mother,” I said. “You were supposed to put us first no matter what.”

“And I didn’t,” she said. “And I never will. I can admit that now.”

We were both quiet for a long time. My mother and I had never spoken honestly with each other. We’d barely ever spoken to each other at all, just walked around each other like two great big cats preparing for an attack. She hadn’t said anything I didn’t already know but hearing her admit that she was always going to be who she was, was like a door closing somewhere, never to be opened again.

“Anyway,” said my mother. “I wanted to tell you that I’m leaving. I kind of met a new man and he’s based in the States so I’m going to move to America. He has his own church there.”

“Are you mad?” I said. “You’re joining a cult?”

She shrugged. “It’s not a cult. It’s just an alternative spiritual path and anyway neighbourhood’s not safe anymore. Not since the trouble you caused. They locked up LeRoy and Dennis but his friends are looking for someone to blame. If I stay in that flat, I’m next. Plus no one will even deal to me because of you.”

“So this is what this is all about?” I asked. “You want me to hand Kayla over to Ross and Alison so that you don’t have to worry about her?”

“The thing is, Eric, you don’t actually have a choice. You don’t have any parental rights to Kayla and I’ve signed mine over to Ross already. They’re just being polite to you cos they’re nice people. If they want to take Kayla they can do so by force.”

The way she said it was so matter-of-fact, as if Kayla were a second had sofa. I realised just how powerless I was.  I felt like there was a weight in my stomach holding me down. The decision wasn’t mine at all. It was over.

“Look, I have to go,” said my mother. “Hank is waiting for me. You get better, okay? The flat’s still there if you want it.”

She leaned over me as if she might kiss me good-bye and then she turned and walked out of the room without another word.

Advertisement