Words: 2,270
Total words: 44,802
Money raised: £354.00
Thank-you to: My dad and Jenn… oh and Lauren who owes me another £1 for junta. Freemonius look out for puppy dog’s tail
I didn’t sleep that night. There were no dreams and by the time the sun started to come through my window, I had made my decision. It was the only decision that had ever made sense and now there were just the hours of lying in bed feeling nauseous, waiting for Ross and Alison to arrive with Kayla.
This time they didn’t come alone. Ross led Kayla by the hand but Alison had a small blonde girl on her hip. She was almost an identikit of Kayla and seeing her reminded me of a much earlier time, when Kayla had just learned to talk and would enthusiastically come up with random words and then demand approval. Her first word was, of course, Bug. I noticed that Kayla was holding Bear-Eric under her arm.
“Hi Eric,” said Alison. “I hope you don’t mind but we couldn’t find anyone to look after Megan today so we brought her along. She will hopefully be on her best behaviour.”
“I remember when Kayla was that age,” I said. “They’re pretty unpredictable.”
She smiled. “I forget that you’re a dad,” she said.
I was overtaken by her effortless warmth and her ability to empathise so naturally and I wondered what it might be like to have a mother like that; one who would cherish you and keep you safe in the face of any adversity.
“Hi Megan,” I said.
Megan did the typical two-year-old thing and turned her face into her mother’s shoulder and ignored me.
“How are you feeling today?” Alison asked.
“Sore,” I said. “I can see out of both eyes now and they’ve said the splint is going to come off my nose tomorrow but my ribs are still killing me. I always took them for granted, I didn’t realise that they were so quintessential in terms of things like being able to cough and sneeze and… breathe.”
“And… and otherwise?” she asked.
I bit my top lip. “Numb. That’s the only way to describe it. I feel like nothing is real. Like huge parts of what happened before and are happening now are part of a dream and I’m kind of sleep-walking through everything.”
She came and sat next to me and put her hand on my arm.
“I know you don’t know me, but I do care about you and what happened to you and if you want to talk about anything, I’m here to listen.”
“Thanks,” I said. “I appreciate it.” And I meant it.
Ross was starting to look edgy.
“Can I speak to Kayla alone please?” I said.
Ross pulled a slightly annoyed face. “I’m not sure that…”
Alison cut him off with a look. “Of course you can. Come on, Meggie,” she said. “I think I saw a balloon in the gift shop with your name on it.”
They left and I motioned for Kayla to come and sit on the bed with me. She scrambled up and sat facing me.
“Kayla,” I said. “You know sometimes before we went to live with Anthony we were very sad and sometimes mummy’s friends weren’t nice to you and it was cold in the house and all we had to eat was cereal.”
She nodded.
“And then when we went to live with Anthony everything was lovely because you could play with all of Anthony’s toys and Iva made us nice food…”
“Soup,” said Kayla.
“Yes,” I said smiling. “Lots of soup. And she taught you how to make brownies and you got lots of cuddles not just from me but from Iva and Anthony too and we were like a real family.”
“Except we didn’t have a puppy,” she said.
“Um, no,” I said. “We didn’t have a puppy.”
“Alison and Ross and Meggie have a puppy,” said Kayla. “I saw a picture of him and Alison said he’s very good and he doesn’t bite unless you pull the puppy dog’s tail.”
“Did Alison and Ross show you where they live?” I asked.
Kayla nodded enthusiastically. “They live by the seaside.”
“Do you remember when we went to the seaside?” I asked.
When Kayla turned five I had snuck her onto a train to Brighton and the two of us had gone paddling in the sea. She had never been so excited in her entire little life. It was the one and only time she had ever seen the sea but I couldn’t get her out of the water. We had stayed until the sun eventually went down and we had to sneak back onto the train, me holding her against me, wrapped tightly in an old towel. She had told me that she wanted to stay at the sea forever and ever.
“Of course I remember,” she said in a way that was meant to indicate don’t talk to me like I’m five.
“I remember that you wanted to stay at the seaside.”
“Yes,” she said, wistfully.
“Kayla, do you think you might like to go and live at the seaside with Ross and Alison and Meggie and the puppy.”
“Junta,” she said.
“The puppy’s name is Junta?” I asked.
“Uh huh,” said Kayla.
“Okay. Well yes, do you think you might like to go and live at the seaside with Ross and Alison and Meggie and Junta.”
“Not until you are better enough to come out of the hospimal,” she said. “Then we should go because Ross said he would teach me how to swim and you can learn too.”
“Oh baby,” I said, a thick lump forming in my throat. “Baby I won’t be able to come.”
“No,” she said. “I don’t want to go.”
“But sweetheart,” I said. “If you stay with me we have to go and live back in our old house and it will be cold and dark and horrible.”
“I don’t care,” she said glaring at me. “I want to stay with you.”
“Kayla,” I said. “You know love you more than anything, right? More than the sun and the moon and the stars.”
“More than your cherry?” she asked.
“Even more than my cello,” I said. “And you know I would always do everything I can to make you happy. If you go and live with Ross and Alison you’ll have a real mummy and daddy and a proper house and a puppy.”
She frowned, on the verge of tears.
“I’ll come and visit you,” I said. “I’ll come and visit you all the time and I will always be your big brother and we can do lots of fun things together.”
“Why can’t you come?” she asked.
“Because Ross isn’t my daddy,” I said. “And because I’m all grown up now and I have to look after myself. Ross and Alison don’t want a big, ugly boy taking over their whole house and scaring the puppy.”
She giggled at the idea of me scaring the puppy.
“You’re very silly, Eric,” she said.
“I know,” I said.
And then very thoughtfully. “I miss Anthony.”
“I miss Anthony too, baby,” I said.
“If I go and live with Ross and Alison and Meggie who will play me Bug?”
“I’m sure I can get them to play you Bach on the radio,” I said.
“It’s not the same,” she said.
“I know,” I said. “But you have to be a very brave girl for me.”
“Okay,” she said.
“Come here and hug me,” I said and she put her head on my chest and her little arm around me and she laid Bear-Eric on my stomach.
“You have to look after Bear-Eric,” she said.
“I can’t do that, you’re her mummy.”
“She’ll look after you when I’m not there,” she said.
“Okay,” I said. “But just for now. Just until you want her back.”
We lay like that for a long time in silence and I refused to let myself cry because if I broke down she would break too and I needed her to be strong, stronger than I could ever have been.
When Ross and Alison came back with a balloon for Meggie, one for Kayla and one for me, she had all but fallen asleep, muttering into my chest like she always did as she drifted off.
“Kayla,” I said, shaking her slightly. “I think you should go and play with Meggie while I talk to Alison.”
“I think I should be here to discuss any decision you’ve made,” said Ross.
“I’d like to talk to Alison,” I said.
“Fine,” said Ross and walked out.
I suppose I will never get over my need to create power for myself in situations where I feel powerless and kicking Ross out of the room made me feel like I had some control.
“So,” I said. “The dog’s name is Junta?”
Alison laughed. “It was Meggie’s first word. We were watching the news and they were going on about Papua New Guinea and she suddenly just started saying Junta. It was so random that when we got the puppy we decided to name him Junta.”
“Kayla’s first word was Bug,” I said.
“That doesn’t surprise me,” said Alison. “She has a phenomenal knowledge of music for such a small child. Although she keeps insisting that she wants to listen to someone called The Horrors and I’m at a bit of a loss.”
“That’s Anthony’s influence,” I said, still surprised at how I felt this sharp jab of pain every time I said his name. “It was his favourite band. I always used to tease him about them but they’re actually not all that bad.”
“I’ll look them up,” she said. “I’ve got to admit, I’m a bit useless. My music taste more or less begins and ends with whatever’s on Capital.”
I took a deep breath. “I’ve made a decision,” I said. “And I want you to know that it wasn’t one I took lightly. I know that technically me making any decision is academic because I have no right to Kayla legally so I appreciate that you took the time to make me part of all this.”
“I know how Ross might come across,” said Alison. “You just remind him so much of your mother and it’s a time of his time that he really struggled to put behind him. He really respects you, he just doesn’t rally know how to show it. We never would have wanted to take Kayla away from you by force. That would have been way too traumatic for her. You’re everything to her that a parent could possibly be to a child and more no matter what any piece of paper says.”
I want Kayla to live with you,” I said. “And it’s not because I can’t take care of her or because I don’t want to. It’s because I want her to have what I didn’t have and what Anthony didn’t have. I want her to have two parents who really love her and I believe that you and Ross can give that to her.”
“Eric,” said Alison. “I can’t imagine how hard this has been for you. We’ve only known Kayla for a few days and she has completely stolen our hearts. What you’ve done is very, very brave and we will do everything we possibly can to give her the best possible life.”
“I know,” I said, my voice cracking. “I didn’t do this for you. I did this for her.”
“You are the best brother that any little girl could have,” said Alison and she stood up and put her arms around me and I sobbed like a small child on her shoulder not just about Kayla but about everything until I could barely breathe and her jumper was wet through.
“You can see her any time you want,” she said. “You’ll always be part of her life and of our lives. I think Meggie could benefit from a cool Uncle Eric.”
I smiled. “Is my mascara running?”
She laughed. “No, you’re beautiful.”
“When are you leaving?” I asked.
“Tonight,” she said, with a sigh. “We can’t leave the bed and breakfast for much longer. We have some friends helping out but they’re getting to the end of the time they have available.”
“It’s probably better,” I said. “Can I say good-bye to her?”
“Of course,” said Alison. “I’ll bring her in.”
Kayla came back and got on my bed.
“Now,” I said. “You have to promise me some things. Firstly, no pulling Junta’s tail, secondly you have to listen to what Ross and Alison say and remember all your manners I taught you, thirdly you have to remember me everyday and finally, no tears.”
“No tears,” she said, already sniffing.
“You’re going to have the best time ever,” I said. “Now give me a hug.”
I forgot about my ribs and let Kayla crush herself against me.
“Come on, honey,” said Alison. “I think it’s time to go. Well call you tomorrow.”
After they left, I lay on my bed with Bear-Eric in the crook of my arm staring at the ceiling and felt like I was floating in a white sea of nothingness. I had never been so jealous of Anthony, free from all this. To be in his arms right now would instantly close this open wound that split me in half . To listen to him whisper into my ear, while he stroked my hair would quiet every last one of the memories that were warring at the edges of my thoughts trying to see which would be the first to destroy me. I think I slept… eventually or at least I just stopped thinking.
