Part 30

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My Dearest Eric

Oh my god, it sounds so daft writing that at the top of a letter, as if we were in Victorian times writing each other sneaky love letters, although I’m pretty sure if we were caught writing to each other back then we would have been put to death or something. Kind of romantic the secrecy, don’t you think?

Anyway, that’s not important right now. We can play Victorian star-crossed lovers on another day. I know right now you probably want to strangle me for hiding this from you but you know how much I love surprises and it seemed like sticking it in your cello case was the perfect place so the next time you decided to play me something beautiful you’d find this and then you could keep it and this silly little letter from me (if you wanted to) forever and read it back when we’re old one day and be like, “Ant remember before you were fat and bald we used to write each other letters?” Lol! And we could totally reminisce about how we met and all that. Look at how much I’m rambling!

So getting to the point, yes it is what you think it is. It’s your acceptance letter from Kings College. You’re in. Full scholarship, the works. They’re so into you that they’re even giving you housing in halls. Not that you’re going to need that, cos I’m not letting you out of my sight… or my bed. I got your letter and mine yesterday and I know it’s not cool to open other people’s mail and you can give me that disparaging little look you give me when you think I’m being a giant loser later and give me a lecture and I promise I won’t smile once through the whole thing. And then afterwards I’ll get to say I told you so because I knew we’d both gotten in all along.

All of this uni and future stuff aside, I wanted to tell you that when I met you my whole life changed completely. I know you kind of know that I was lonely before I met you and that my parents were a bit useless but I don’t think you have any concept of how lost I felt before you came into my life. I probably should say all of this stuff to your face but every time I want to I get all shy and stupid and it just seems much easier to write it all down where I can put my thoughts in a logical order.

You are the only person who’s ever really understood what it feels like to be completely ignored by the people who are supposed to love you more than anyone else and protect you and keep you safe. My whole life I’ve made excuses for my parents because I felt like there was something wrong with me that made them not want me and not want to be with me. I thought if I admitted that they literally just couldn’t be bothered that people would realise that it was me and not them who was fucked up but then I met you and your situation was different enough from mine but similar enough that you knew what I felt like instinctively. I’ve never had to hide my life from you and there’s never been anything I couldn’t tell you and so being with you has been the most freeing experience of my life.

I’d never really been close to anyone before I met you. I’d make friends with people on the surface but hold them at arm’s length because I was convinced that if I let them know me, they’d be just like my parents and take their love away from me and I never wanted to risk it. When I met you it seemed like any risk would be worth it and it didn’t matter how I had you in my life, whether it was as a friend or a brother or a lover, just as long as you were there.

On the night that we kissed for the first time and you left I felt like I had made the greatest mistake of my life and that I would regret forever the fact that I’d given up the best friend and the only real family I ever had for the sake of a second of passion. I had moments where I contemplated just ending everything. Don’t laugh… because I know you and I bet right now you’ve got a big dirty grin on because you get to call me a giant emo loser and sing me that Adam And Andrew song that you hum every time I listen to My Chemical Romance. You think I don’t notice but I do.

I knew we were stronger than that though and even if you never came back, if I was gone the memory of who we were to each other even as friends would be lost and nothing would be worth that. Thank god you came back though because I was properly going mental and considering shaving my head or getting a tattoo or something.

It’s not just you though… it’s Kayla too. I can’t tell you how much it’s meant to me to be able to get to know her and have her trust me and have you trust me with her. I know she’s not my sister and it’s only been a few months but I can’t imagine what life would be like without her. I hope that between us we can give her a life that was different to ours before we found each other and that she’ll never feel unloved or unwanted or as if she’s anything except the most special little girl… well until she’s a teenager and she’s completely embarrassed by us.

I think what I’m trying to say is that I love you and I would do anything for you. It doesn’t matter what I have to give up or who I have to face, you’re the most important thing in my life. You and Kayla and… us always being together. I know that’s kind of heavy and I don’t want to freak you out but I can’t imagine me without you anymore. From the first time I met you, when you came riding in on your proverbial white horse and saved me, every future I imagined had you in it.

I will never, ever leave you. No matter what happens. I’m making you that promise right now. I will always be beside you and from now on we face everything together.

Yours always
Ant.

P.S. I’m throwing away all your holey pants before we go to Australia, they’re embarrassing and I hate them.

It was impossible not to laugh, even through the tears that were silently running down my cheeks. How typical of Anthony to throw in a comment like that at the end of a long emotional outpouring where he thought I wouldn’t notice. The letter read almost like he had known I would need a record of his feelings for me. Something to hold onto in case things went wrong.

I took out the acceptance letter and read it. It said exactly what Anthony said it would. I had been accepted into the Kings College music programme with a full scholarship. Absolutely everything would be covered. I didn’t need a student loan or even a job. I could go and study without needing any help from anyone. I could leave this flat behind me. They were hailing me as some kind of musical second coming. The whole situation seemed strangely familiar and new opportunity and a loss, next to each other in stark juxtaposition.

I suddenly felt as if he were standing right beside me, watching me quietly like he so often did and I wished I could say all of the things he had been to me. How he had rescued me from the person I was turning into and made me feel whole after a life of incompleteness. I wanted to tell him that although I was more angry at the world that all of this pain was completely worth it for the time that I had had him and that there was nothing I would take back except that one decision to go and see my mother.

I took out my phone and looked up Alison’s number.
“Eric,” she said. “You didn’t answer the phone earlier. I was worried about you.
“You know you said once that if I ever needed to talk that I could talk to you.”
“Of course,” she said. “Are you okay?”
“No,” I said. “I’m not okay. I was… I was… I had all these painkillers and I was going to take them.”
“Oh my god! Oh my god!” she said. “Okay just stay there. Just stay there and I’ll drive over there, don’t do anything. I can be there in an hour.”
“No, no,” I said. “I’m okay now. It’s just, I opened my cello case and I found a letter in there from Anthony with my acceptance letter for Kings College.  He had our entire futures planned out. He really believed we were going to be together forever.”
“Did you believe that?” she asked.
“I think I did,” I said. “I think that’s what’s making this so hard. I didn’t just lose the physical presence of Anthony right now, I lost the entire future I had built in my head and I just have absolutely no idea what to so with myself.”
“What would Anthony have wanted you to do?” she asked.
“He would have wanted me to live,” I said. “He would have wanted me to write and go to uni and have a really intense exciting life.”
“Maybe you should do that then,” she said.
“I feel selfish right now,” I said. “And kind of angry. He said he would never leave me but he did. I know it’s not his fault that he left me but it’s like he showed me what it was like to have someone and to be someone and he left me with nothing and I’m angry that I never got to tell him how much I loved him. I’m angry with everything.”
“I think he knew,” said Alison. “And it’s okay to be angry and to feel lonely and selfish but it’s not okay to give up.”
“Can I speak to Kayla,” I said.
“Of course,” she said. “I’ll call her.”

“Eric,” said Kayla. “I wanted to talk to you this morning but you didn’t answer the phone.”
“I know kiddo,” I said. “I was feeling a little sad.”
“I was feeling a little sad too,” she said. “I feel sad when I think of Anthony.”
“Do you know,” I said. “If you think of him everyday you keep him alive with you in your heart.”
“Hmm,” she said. “Kind of like the goldfish.”
“Do you think about that goldfish a lot?” I asked her.
“Of course,” she said. “He was the best goldfish ever.”
“Do you think I should come and visit you this weekend?” I asked.
“Yes,” she squealed. “You have to come and bring the cherry so we can teach Meggie about Bug. It’s very embarrassing. She only likes Kylie. She doesn’t even know Ironing Maiden or The Horrors.”
“She’s three,” I said. “She has lots of time to learn.”
“I knew lots more music than her when I was three,” she said indignantly.
“That’s because you’re a genius,” I said.
She giggled. “Eric, you’re very silly.”
“I know,” I said. “I’m very silly indeed.”

Anthony had thrown me down a challenge. When I left him he had kept himself going. He had taught me that nothing goes the way you planned it and it is impossible to predict how things turn out but you can’t use that as an excuse to stop yourself from living or to close yourself to experiencing things. I think we taught that to each other.

***
Walking up to the gates of Kings College reminded me a lot of walking up to the gates of Benridge Hall. I didn’t know anyone and I felt completely unprepared for what I was about to face only this time I wasn’t alone. I had Anthony’s Horrors t-shirt on and Bear-Eric in my cello case, right next to me where they belong.

G.I.N.A.S.F.S

I’ve loved everything about you that hurts, so
Let me see your moves,
Let me see your moves
Lips pressed this close to mine,
True Blue

But the prince of any failing empire knows that
Everybody wants, everybody wants
To drive on through the night
If it’s a drive back home

Things aren’t the same anymore
Some nights, they get so bad
You almost pick up the phone

Trade baby blues for wide eyed browns
I sleep with your old shirts
And walk through this house in your shoes,
You know it’s strange
It’s a strange way of saying,
I’m supposed to love you
I’m supposed to love you

I’ve already given up on myself twice
Third time is the charm, third time is the charm
Threw caution to the wind
But I’ve got a lousy arm

And I’ve traced your shadows on the wall
Now I kiss them whenever I’m down
Whenever I’m down
Figured on not figuring myself out

Things aren’t the same anymore
Some nights, they get so bad
I almost pick up the phone

Trade baby blues for wide eyed browns
I sleep with your old shirts
And walk through this house in your shoes,
You know it’s strange
It’s a strange way of saying
That I know I’m supposed to love you
I’m supposed to love you

Born under a bad sign, but you saved my life
That night on the roof of your hotel
“Cross my heart and hope to die
Splintered from the headboard in my eye”
Photo-proofed kisses I remembered so well

Trade baby blues for wide-eyed browns
I sleep with your old shirts
And walk through this house in your shoes,
You know it’s strange
It’s a strange way of saying
That I know I’m supposed to love you
I’m supposed to love you

Now press repeat

- Fall Out Boy

THE END… FOR NOW

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